Since the early nineties when I was growing up in New Delhi, life for a teenager in India appears to have come a long way. My generation and those younger are much more amenable to dating and figuring themselves out through relationships that are not initiated strictly with an intent to get married. Like most things in India the trends across social strata vary so while the upper middle classes may have begun to the embrace some form of casual dating while the bulk of the population does, I think, still tend to favour the tradition “introduction” route, or at least works to maintain that perception.
Amongst the group that has tended towards the independent pursuit of life partners, there still are very many who continue to favour the family driven process. I find it rather interesting but also question how long culture can stand up against economic independence?
The reality of life in India, wealthy or otherwise, is that we like to live in large joint families back home. If not in the same home, we live near enough to lovingly interfere in each other’s lives. Cousins are like siblings, and everyone is an Aunt or an Uncle. Along with this, we then tend to live under someone else’s rules for much longer than in the West. Perhaps only on marriage or maybe much later does a young family or couple get the chance to settle down in their nest and draw up their own rules. At the same time, younger affluent Indians are becoming economically independent at an earlier age. They are adults, but they live like children in the sense that they don’t have all the responsibilities of independent living – paying house bills, cleaning up, cooking, etc. Young Indians succumb to the privileges of living with parents and in doing so hand over some autonomy in their own lives. They inevitably develop distinctly different outward personalities – the work/friends personality and the one at home; The latter to fulfill the expectations of the parents, hence the loss of autonomy.
Through our culture, while economic independence was not achieved until much later in life, incomes from individuals within a family were pooled for a common budget and joint decisions were made to enable a happy co-existence, but now that the younguns can afford their own cars and flats below the age of 30yrs, the strain on who they are and who they present to their parents might start to give. There will be a reduced inclination of subservience to the parents under whose roof a young adult lives. While the parents were the driving force behind the decision to get married and whom to marry, it might no longer be so since the married couple will be living in DLF while the parents live in Green Park.
If the bride is no longer going to have to adjust to the groom’s family home with incumbent traditions and dynamics, why would the incumbents continue to have a dominating vote in selecting her? The new bride will move in to her married home with her husband and they will begin life in their own nest. She doesn’t need to wake up at a certain time to be able to help in the family kitchen before the communal breakfast. She doesn’t need to learn how to make tea in 4 different ways to please all tastes and she certainly doesn’t have to dress to seek her in-laws’ approval either.
The dynamic of a newlywed life is changing. Economic independence is bringing about this cultural change. Sure I still know many of my generation who still look to their parents for advise, but if we can get up and go to work every day, make up our own mind about what job we want to apply for, pick out our own flat and choose our own car …why can’t we select our partner in life too? It’s not about marginalising parents from this process, but more about understanding why smart, aware, financial independent individuals are not confident enough in the social arena to know what they are looking for in a life partner and then, how to go about finding them. Perhaps, they simply prefer to follow their parent’s choice in the matter. Is that becuase in these matters, we are in fact quite a shy nation? The personal confrontation of approaching another person to reveal our true feelings for the fear of rejection or even simply to have to reveal our emotions, is a fairly frightening thought. The alternative of managing a relationship through parental intervention is a somewhat easier concept to accept. Perhaps with economic independence being achieved earlier in our lives, where we are forced to take most decisions for ourselves rather than revert to the household norm, we will overcome any such hesitation on the relationship front ; that certainly was my own experience.
My bet is that very soon, within my lifetime, we will see a marked shift whereby young Indians will learn to go through the heartbreaks and joys of romance, live and learn by the process of trial and error which eventually leads to understanding themselves better. And the only way to figure out what you are looking for in someone else, is to figure out what you yourself are all about first and not be afraid to have your heart broken.
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I’m curious about where the thinking stands currently - if you have literally a few minutes to click a mouse a few times, would be great if you could complete this short poll. Results will be published for public enjoyment. All hail Google docs...
Quick Poll - please click!
Amongst the group that has tended towards the independent pursuit of life partners, there still are very many who continue to favour the family driven process. I find it rather interesting but also question how long culture can stand up against economic independence?
The reality of life in India, wealthy or otherwise, is that we like to live in large joint families back home. If not in the same home, we live near enough to lovingly interfere in each other’s lives. Cousins are like siblings, and everyone is an Aunt or an Uncle. Along with this, we then tend to live under someone else’s rules for much longer than in the West. Perhaps only on marriage or maybe much later does a young family or couple get the chance to settle down in their nest and draw up their own rules. At the same time, younger affluent Indians are becoming economically independent at an earlier age. They are adults, but they live like children in the sense that they don’t have all the responsibilities of independent living – paying house bills, cleaning up, cooking, etc. Young Indians succumb to the privileges of living with parents and in doing so hand over some autonomy in their own lives. They inevitably develop distinctly different outward personalities – the work/friends personality and the one at home; The latter to fulfill the expectations of the parents, hence the loss of autonomy.
Through our culture, while economic independence was not achieved until much later in life, incomes from individuals within a family were pooled for a common budget and joint decisions were made to enable a happy co-existence, but now that the younguns can afford their own cars and flats below the age of 30yrs, the strain on who they are and who they present to their parents might start to give. There will be a reduced inclination of subservience to the parents under whose roof a young adult lives. While the parents were the driving force behind the decision to get married and whom to marry, it might no longer be so since the married couple will be living in DLF while the parents live in Green Park.
If the bride is no longer going to have to adjust to the groom’s family home with incumbent traditions and dynamics, why would the incumbents continue to have a dominating vote in selecting her? The new bride will move in to her married home with her husband and they will begin life in their own nest. She doesn’t need to wake up at a certain time to be able to help in the family kitchen before the communal breakfast. She doesn’t need to learn how to make tea in 4 different ways to please all tastes and she certainly doesn’t have to dress to seek her in-laws’ approval either.
The dynamic of a newlywed life is changing. Economic independence is bringing about this cultural change. Sure I still know many of my generation who still look to their parents for advise, but if we can get up and go to work every day, make up our own mind about what job we want to apply for, pick out our own flat and choose our own car …why can’t we select our partner in life too? It’s not about marginalising parents from this process, but more about understanding why smart, aware, financial independent individuals are not confident enough in the social arena to know what they are looking for in a life partner and then, how to go about finding them. Perhaps, they simply prefer to follow their parent’s choice in the matter. Is that becuase in these matters, we are in fact quite a shy nation? The personal confrontation of approaching another person to reveal our true feelings for the fear of rejection or even simply to have to reveal our emotions, is a fairly frightening thought. The alternative of managing a relationship through parental intervention is a somewhat easier concept to accept. Perhaps with economic independence being achieved earlier in our lives, where we are forced to take most decisions for ourselves rather than revert to the household norm, we will overcome any such hesitation on the relationship front ; that certainly was my own experience.
My bet is that very soon, within my lifetime, we will see a marked shift whereby young Indians will learn to go through the heartbreaks and joys of romance, live and learn by the process of trial and error which eventually leads to understanding themselves better. And the only way to figure out what you are looking for in someone else, is to figure out what you yourself are all about first and not be afraid to have your heart broken.
______
I’m curious about where the thinking stands currently - if you have literally a few minutes to click a mouse a few times, would be great if you could complete this short poll. Results will be published for public enjoyment. All hail Google docs...
Quick Poll - please click!
Very interesting Riddhi. Well thought out piece. I'll send this to my Indian friends now.
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